So i’ve been thinking about what kind of list I could write on my blog, and this is what I came up with to write about. Something is wrong with me. The wine I drank was too strong. I was dropped on my head as a baby. I don’t know. BUT I know for a fact that I can offend all the cat lovers out there, so i’m gonna do that right MEOW!
- It’s NOT a dog
Who even invented cats anyways? The creator of the cat must’ve been like… hmm what animal can I make that is both disgusting and annoying? Add a little whiskers here, put a little sass there, BAM I give you, THE CAT. Cat’s are the sassiest thing on the planet next to teenagers. They act like you are habitually ruining their day. Don’t even get me started on being naked in front of them. I see those judgemental glances.
- You have to own a litter box AND clean it
Ok now if you’ve never had to clean out a litter box, just.. go find someone with a cat and do it. It builds character…and anxiety.. Cat feces and urine are much worse and more pungent than a human or a dog’s. Like what did you eat, indian food?! Take that sh!t outside, LITERALLY! They are so high maintenance. “I can’t go out THERE. I need to poop right here in this box and then jump out without covering anything up.” I have walked in my apartment before and been punched in the nose with the smell of cat doo-doo. I’m like, “hmm why does it smell like the cat pooped on the floor and not in the litter box? IF THAT CAT POOPED ON THE FLOOR…” Only to walk into the bathroom and see that he was too lazy to kick some rocks onto his own stank.
3. They will randomly claw at you
I’ll be sitting in my chair minding my own business, when all of a sudden, Edward Scissorhands comes up out of nowhere slicing my arm off! I look around to a cat with big eyes and his butt up in the air like i’m his prey. Cats have no chill. They get random bursts of energy and they’re like, “TODAY IS THE DAY, MIKEY! TODAY IS THE DAY THAT SHE’S GONNA PAY FOR SITTING THERE DOING NOTHING!” I look forward to the day when I no longer randomly get shanked by a cat claw.
4. Cat People
There’s always an extremist in every group. Christians have bible thumpers. Technological people have geeks. And people who like cats have CAT PEOPLE. There’s normal people and then there are cat people. Cat people are almost always the same. Lonely, unsociable, and yet very opinionated. I don’t know how they get satisfaction from owning cats. Cats don’t require much attention if you get a good one. I would think lonely people would be more interested in owning a dog, because dogs need them more. Cat people love to talk about cats and only cats. If you want to talk about your kids, they want to talk about their cats. If you say that you don’t like your cat because its vicious, a cat person will inform you that it’s because it was mistreated. Or it’s because it’s not castrated. No.. Cats can just be CATS. That’s why when girls are being mean, people say they’re being CATTY.
5. They bathe too much
Yeah somehow this is offensive. I don’t want to see you licking on yourself every time I walk into a room. It’s seriously annoying. Like why are you doing that? You didn’t even go outside. You didn’t do anything today actually, besides eat and lay in the sun, and rub your hair on my leg, so WHY do you need a bath, AGAIN?! Stop man, just stop! Anytime I walk into a room, which is two hundred times a day, I see the cat in there with his leg up in the air just licking away. And then he looks up at me like I intruded on his private business. Look dude.. maybe like go under the bed and do that?! Ugh enough is enough! How about I just come out of the shower and stare at you? Cats have no respect for anyone’s privacy, including their own.
I know you think i’m kitten, but i’m leaving right meow! It’s puuuuurfect timing. CATch you later!