I’m starting this post and I don’t even know what it will be about yet. I have several things swimming around in my head that I think I could talk about. I could talk about marital fights. I could talk about how I don’t know what my passion is and it irritates me that I can’t figure out WHAT my calling is. I have about seventy-two hundred different things that I’ve wanted to be in my life until I quickly realized maaaybe I didn’t actually want to be any of those things. But then I get thrown off by my thoughts. Who wants to hear about me? Then I start to remember that this is my blog and I can write about myself if I want to! Ok ok, so maybe I won’t get many readers but at least i’ll feel better, right? Nah I think i’ll save that for another day.
This is utterly stupid, but sometimes I just need Nathan to fight with me so that I can feel a burning in my gut to write it down. I hate fighting. I don’t want to fight. But we all become a little more productive when we’re angry. Oh wait maybe that’s just some of us. Either way, anger probably gives everyone a drive to do something.
Something like….Rage Cleaning
The house is dirty…, hmm let me just pick a fight real quick, problem solved! I know I can’t be the only one who “gets back” at their spouse by huffing around the house cleaning. As if scrubbing the tile grout so hard that you disintegrate the bristles off of the brush is going to make things any better. “I’ll show you how mad I am! I’m cleaning like a maniac, so TAKE THAT!” *adds in a cabinet door slam for good measure because i’m mature*
This is probably the sole reason that spouses pick fights with each other.
My husband is more of a rage cleaner than I am. That’s how he deals with stress. When his dad died, he detailed the car and scrubbed every baseboard in the house, but he didn’t cry. I, on the other hand, like to wallow in my self-pity.
Today we were having an argument and every time I would talk, Nathan would cut me off mid sentence. Now i’ll admit, I am a little long winded at times,..err.. all the time.. but I prefer to use a more positive phrase like, “over-communicator”. He interrupted me 5 out of the 5 times that I tried to talk and oh mylanta… I. lost. it. I was so frustrated about him interrupting me that I lost my train of thought. Now something happens to me when I get mad at my spouse and I don’t think it’s normal or healthy but i’m sure i’m not the only one.
I start to think really bad thoughts. They are so dramatic that i’m even embarrassed to tell you what they are. If you have an imagination like mine, you probably think i’m about to tell you that I pictured his death and that I was going to cut him into pieces and get away with it, but it’s not THAT bad, so press on. soldier! Maybe I shouldn’t have used soldier in that last sentence. Oops. Oh well, too late now. Too bad no one invented a backspace button!
Before you go calling the husband hotline, aka the waaambulance…
I’ll go ahead and tell you! It’s just that I start thinking we’re never going to work out. We’re just going to end up divorced one day, so why do we keep trying? I know this sounds uber dramatic, childish, and stupid, but like a good honey, i’m just being raw right now. I start thinking that he would be so much happier with someone who doesn’t expect so much from him. Then I put my thoughts onto him like it’s actually true that he’s thinking that. I start thinking that I would be so much happier with someone that I wouldn’t have to expect so much from. . I go on with this whole scenario in my head of where we’ll end up and it’s never together. Why do I do that? That’s awfully counter-productive. I’ve trained my mind to react to negative situations like that over the years, and it’s easy to do.
Like most marriages, we had some rough years. So rough that I just knew we would never last. So rough in fact, that it became an enjoyable fantasy to think about what my life would be like when, not if, but when we got divorced. I write this tonight thinking of everyone who has been in our shoes, because I know there are plenty of you. When we get divorced, he’ll realize how good he had it. He’ll never find someone as good as me! Yes… I realize how conceited that sounds. But i’m telling you — Rage… I continue with my thoughts… When we get divorced, at least my parents will be there for the kids. — the truth is, he’s a great dad and they would be devastated if he wasn’t around. The grass always seems greener on the other side. If you’re going to entertain thoughts like that of, “when we get divorced” like I did… Then you had better entertain the whole entire thing. Because it’s not going to be that easy. You’re going to have to entertain the fact that the kids are going to ask why he’s not around. You’ll have to entertain the fact that he would find someone else and would she measure up to you or better? Your kids would have a step-mom then. Would that be okay with you? Because that was a tough one for me to face. When I really think about it… I think I would be heart-broken by losing my husband. He knows me. I know him. I can’t imagine having to start all over with someone else. What if that ‘someone else’ had worse habits than the one I chose to marry? The chances are that he probably would. He probably wouldn’t love my kids like their own dad does. He probably wouldn’t be as patient with them or with me like my husband is.. I can only imagine the comparisons that would start to evolve in my mind. There’s so many things to think about when you let your mind wander. Weigh the odds.
I was in a women’s meeting once and the speaker said, “In bad times, It’s hard to remember the good times. And in good times, it’s hard to remember the bad.” That quote resonated deep down in the pits of my soul. WHY was she talking about me?! How did she know what I was struggling with? Ugh. It kind of sucks when the truth hits you like a ton of bricks. But those are the times when I know that my creator put me in the right place at the right time. That’s his way of talking to me and saying, “Look..you need to think about this.” Those are the small, seemingly insignificant things that kept me holding on. But Felisha, hey aren’t insignificant at all. I don’t know why He cares so much about little peon people like me, but he does. I could never deny His Presence because I’ve seen it working too many times in my life. Almost ALWAYS in small doses like that incident.
I can relate the small things to a puzzle. You have 1,000 tiny pieces that you have to intricately put in place to fit. Sometimes you put the wrong puzzle piece in and try to make it work and it just doesn’t. Later you realize that piece didn’t fit there at all. But it took you a while to find the piece that did fit. And when it snapped right in, you felt relieved and accomplished. In the end, through a lot of patience, dedication, and hard work, you get to see the fruits of your labor. A thousand tiny pieces that make one giant beautiful picture.
It’s easy to let ourselves become distracted by the fact that our marriages don’t flow as well as some of our peers marriages do. It’s easy to compare and to get lost in what we don’t have. My husband doesn’t help out as much as Susie’s husband does. My husband doesn’t ever hold my hand like Mary’s husband does. But what DOES your husband do? Does he work? Is he patient with your kids? Can he fix things? Is he helpful to everyone around him? Surely there are redeeming qualities. *Side bar * I feel like this deserves to be said. There ARE husbands out there who DON’T have redeeming qualities. There are husbands who are emotionally and/or physically abusive and you should never stay with an abuser no matter what redeeming qualities he has. I felt like this post deserved that disclaimer. I would have lost sleep over it if I didn’t include that, and momma needs her sleep! It’s EASY to get fixated on things like this. Just like when my brain automatically recognizes my negative feelings and goes into, “Marriage Apocalypse” mode.
Aside from today, I have been trying to keep my brain from reacting like that. Staying calm and rebelling against what I’ve trained my thoughts to do, is just what the doctor ordered. If you’re struggling with this, I’d like to encourage you to challenge yourself. Don’t take the easy way out. Wait for that puzzle piece that you don’t have to force in to a spot where it doesn’t belong. Don’t let yourself give up and let toxic thoughts take over. You are in control. You can train yourself out of it, just like you trained your way in.